Not Back To School-Back In Time Please!

Life changes

I have been through many changes in my life.  I have lost loved ones, moved more times in my life than I can count, got married, had a baby, survived breast cancer and many numerous changes that I have been through and although those experiences were terrifying survived.  Another change is just around the corner and I find myself inexplicably terrified of it.  It is a logical change and a necessary one but all of the logic and necessity in the world can not conquer my fear. My child is starting kindergarten in a little over 2 weeks and I find myself trying to spend every last moment with them and although I try not to I find myself thinking of our activities in terms of ‘lasts.” The last time I can take them to the playgroup that they have been in since they were 2, the last time I can take them to a children’s story time at the library, the last time we can go to the park in the middle of the day when everyone is at school-numerous other lasts.  The last 5 years I have been the center of my child’s world, their protector, their friend, their activity planner. I feel like once they board that big yellow automobile that transports them to what feels like a new world to me the life that I have known with them will never be the same again.  Don’t get me wrong I am excited for all of the new firsts for them and they are more than ready to start kindergarten.  I find myself making sure that I do not let my sadness show to my child because I want them to be excited.  I know they will love kindergarten but I am releasing my baby on this world that for 8 hours a day 5 days a week I will not be a part of and that will be the way their life is from now on.  The other day my child was teased by an older neighborhood child and I found myself sticking up for my child because I still remember the pain of being teased as a child. Then I realized that I cannot protect my child from the teasing, the disappointment and the trials and tribulations of growing up all of the time. That hurt my heart.  What further hurt my heart was when we went to Busch Gardens this week and my child told my husband that they wanted to ride the rides by themselves because they did “not need their mommy and daddy anymore.”  A tear came to my eye and I realized that one chapter has closed while another one is opening and although I am excited about it I wish I could overcome the fear. Maybe when I pick my child up from the yellow automobile I will feel better but between now and then I am not ready for the back to school, I wish I could go back in time instead.